He's Not Coming
by elfx9
Summary: One shot. Set after Brendan has made his deal with God. Ste has awoken from his coma and - true to his word - Brendan won't go near him again.


"How is he?"

It was the first thing Brendan asked when Cheryl walked through the door. The same thing every day. Her answers had started out as, "No change" and she'd watched her brother crumble, distraught and defeated… and then his attitude change to confusion… and then anger at someone or other; she couldn't tell who, mind.

But one day she'd come home with better news, "He woke up. Briefly."

And today… "He's asking for you, Brendan."

Brendan blinked. His expression giving nothing away.

"Brendan," she repeated slowly, "He wants to see you."

"How is he?" Brendan asked again, dryly.

"A bit confused. A bit _scared _I think." Cheryl admitted, "He won't say anything about it but… Brendan, didn't you hear me? You need to go see him."

"I can't, Chez."

"He's _asking _for you! He wants to know why you're not there!"

"He's got his husband there, hasn't he?!"

Cheryl's eyes flashed with bitter disappointment.

"Oh I see." She said darkly, "This is you gettin' back at him, cos he got married to another man."

"No of course not."

"Brendan, Ste almost DIED! Does that not mean ANYTHING to you?!"

"Oh NO! No Chez, it means nothin'! I practically forgot!" Brendan shouted back; emotion dripping from every word of sarcasm.

"Well then I don't _understand _why you're leaving him on his own!"

"With _Douglas!_"

"Thinking YOU don't care about him!"

There was a moment of silence, where Cheryl stared at him. Her expression was one of horror; hardly daring to believe her brother could be so heartless, so cold. And why? She didn't understand _why. _

"It's for the best, Cheryl." Brendan said eventually.

"What am I supposed to say to him?"

"I dunno." Brendan shrugged, "I got caught up."

"You got _caught up?_" Cheryl repeated with disgust.

"Yeah, I got caught up, I got work, I got syphilis – _I don't care _what ye tell him Chez!" He banged his fist impatiently on the table; anything to release his pent-up frustrations and emotions that he couldn't show right now… not to her.

"Brendan," Cheryl had tears in her eyes and her voice was weak and small, "Don't make me go back there without you. _Please._"

But he said nothing. He sat perfectly still… expressionless… just staring blankly into the table.

"After everything you've put him through." Cheryl spat with sudden disgust. And then she'd gone… leaving through the door to tell Steven that Brendan didn't give a shit about him.

Brendan pushed the cutlery hard off the table, listening to the hard CLANG as it hit the floor. The tears started to seep out, but nobody was around to see them.

XOXOX

Despite being in a hospital, Ste felt unsafe. He felt on edge all the time. Nervous. His heart beat and his palms sweat, and he felt uncomfortable and imprisoned. And he had Doug asking every five fucking minutes whether he was okay – and no, of course he's not. He said yes though…and gave a small strained smile to back up the claim.

When he'd first woken it had been like his body was paralysed… unmoving, and his voice unspeaking, and his ears clogged and eyes sewn shut, and he'd sworn he couldn't breathe. He'd thought then that he was dead – or dying – and he'd been panicked but unable to move or speak to say so. He'd felt hands in his hair and holding his hand, and Doug's voice…

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay," and then shouting loudly, "CAN SOMEBODY HELP?!" and then quiet again, "Shhh, it's okay, Ste, I'm here."

But the hands had just felt like they were strangling him… burning his skin… making him claustrophobic, which only increased his panic until he _wanted _to be dead… he was too scared, too alarmed and overwhelmed to continue on anymore.

And then once he'd woken properly, and things were making slightly more sense… all he'd wanted was Brendan. It wasn't a conscious thing… not something he could explain. He just knew he'd feel safe then. He thought Brendan might understand… the panic, the strain and the fear. He thought Brendan's composed, unyielding presence might install a sense of security into the place.

But Brendan was nowhere to be seen.

"We thought we'd lost you." Doug had breathed, his eyes shining with tears.

"…We?" Ste had croaked back.

"Me and the kids."

It was obscure, really; didn't make much sense. It felt like Brendan was a ghost of Ste's mind… like he never really existed. Like he was gone off the face of the universe, and nobody else had noticed. It felt like there was a large space missing, which would forever go unspoken of if Ste didn't mention it.

He did mention it, on the second day of waking.

"Doug?" He'd breathed, his voice rasped.

"Yeah?" Doug leaned forward immediately, giving Ste his whole attention. He was like that now; pandering and overly attentive. Ste had found himself pretending to sleep for hours, just to get a rest from it. Which only served to make him feel guiltier.

"What happened to Brendan?"

Doug seemed to flinch somewhat. But he tried to hide it. "What do you mean?"

"He's in prison, isn't he?"

"What? N…no. Ste listen, okay, forget all of that stuff. Okay, I… I was stupid and I'm sorry, I…"

Ste cut him off, "Where is he then?"

Doug quietened. And despite him doing everything in his power to be _perfect _for Ste these last two days, he didn't quite manage to hide his irritation this time as he said, "What does it _matter_?"

"I just expected him to be here."

"Yeah well he's _not!"_

"Why?"

"Because… because… well why _would _he be?!"

Ste thought about that for a moment. Why would he be? Ste wasn't anybody to him anymore; not really… not in a conventional sense anyway. And Brendan had a life and a job back in Hollyoaks. And there was no reason at all really, why Brendan should be expected to care enough to drop by, and see if Ste was alive. Nobody else had.

But… Ste reasoned… he and Brendan… they were supposed to care about each other, weren't they? Doug said Ste had nearly died. If Brendan had been on deaths door, Ste knew he'd be there with him. He'd done everything for Brendan; supported him, looked after him when he was wheelchair bound, waited on him, taken huge risks for him…

Why would Brendan be here? Because… despite everything… they were supposed to _love _each other, weren't they? They never said so. It was never spoken out loud. They weren't allowed to _do_ anything about it. But wasn't that what all this was about; these last few months? Wasn't that the mutual, unspoken deal? Wasn't it _working _like that… better than it had ever worked before, when they were together? It had been - in the strangest way - perfect. At least Ste had thought so.

Now he felt so stupid. So fucking stupid. And worthless. And like nothing.

He'd got it all wrong, hadn't he? This entire time.

_Why would he be here?_

XOXOX

Despite it all, Ste couldn't get rid of the churning feeling in his gut that pined for Brendan to come and see him. He couldn't voice it to Doug, because it would only make him angry. The last time the two of them had spoken about it, Ste had timidly asked whether Brendan had _ever _been here… whether he'd _ever _shown he cared, even if it was just briefly.

Doug's response had merely been, "What does it matter if he didn't? Ste, _I'm _here. Okay? We only need each other."

Doug had gripped onto his hand determinedly, and Ste had held weakly back but most of his concentration had gone on shielding the tears. The tears that gave away his feelings of worthlessness, of let down, of bitter disappointment.

And then Cheryl came in that day… after she'd specifically _told _Brendan that Ste wanted to see him.

"I'm sorry love." She'd sighed, "He's… He's got a lot of work on."

"Right." Ste nodded numbly, swallowed hard. "Yeah."

"He really _does _want to see you, he just… I think he's finding it hard."

"Right." Ste repeated again, disbelieving.

Cheryl sighed. She looked wracked with guilt. "Listen love… forget my brother okay? He's being stupid and… and cruel and selfish, and I'm sorry. I'm really really _so_ sorry. You don't' deserve this."

"You don't need to apologise." Ste mumbled. He wished she'd stop talking actually, because he could feel his throat constricting and if he cried now, he'd only be giving away how much it meant. And he couldn't… he couldn't even admit that to himself, because it hurt _so fucking much. _

"I tell you, I'm gonna be giving him such an earful about this." She continued to seethe. "I just… I can't understand it! I don't know why he'd do this to you."

Ste could only offer a limp shrug in return. He didn't know either.

"Oh sweetheart." She sighed. And then she wrapped her arms tightly around him and dragged him into a hug; one that was strong and caring. Ste closed his eyes and let himself be held by her.

"I wanna go home." He sniffed weakly.

"Oh, I know."

"Can you tell 'em to let me go now?"

"I can't, love, you know I can't."

"This is why…" Ste's voice wavered, "This is why _Brendan_ should be …"

He couldn't even finish his sentence, because he couldn't hold it in any longer: Hard sobs wracked from his body, and Cheryl held on tighter and he clung back. This is what he'd been trying to hold in since first waking up – since first feeling that fear and the panic. But it had only gotten worse and worse the longer Brendan's absence had rolled on, and the more confused he'd felt… the more small, insignificant, thick, guilty.

Doug had come back into the room, and Cheryl had quickly passed Ste over so that Doug was holding him tightly, supporting him. Only, Ste couldn't help it, but he didn't want Doug right now. There was a knot in his stomach that made him feel bitterness towards his newly-wed… bitterness he couldn't explain, nor did Doug deserve.

He cried even harder, because none of this was making sense.

XOXOX

"OW! What the FUCK was that for?!"

"You BASTARD, Brendan Brady!" Cheryl was livid. Absolutely livid, this time. "You made me go on my own and tell that poor boy that you weren't coming, and he _WANTS _you there! God knows why, but he wants you there – and YOU… you…"

She hit him again. And again. And again. Right round the head with her square sharp-edged handbag.

"Fffukcin'… Fuckin' STOP IT CHEZ!"

"You are the LOWEST of the low, d'you know that?! You do not… you do _not_ deserve to have someone like Ste crying over you, Brendan, you SO do not deserve it!"

"Wh… what do ye mean, cryin'? Is he alrigh'?"

Cheryl looked at him as if he'd gone mad.

"NO! He's NOT!"

"What's wrong with 'im?"

Again… her expression was one of maddening disbelief, "He was hit by a bus!"

Brendan flinches in irritation, "I _know that_ Chez, I mean is there a problem?"

"Yes Brendan. You."

She looked at him, unwavering.

"You're _still_ not gonna go see him, are you?!"

"I told you, I can't." Brendan muttered quietly; voice laced with guilt and shame.

"He's miserable. He hates it there and he wants to go home."

"He… he can go home if he wants; he can go home if he has someone carin' for him, then they'll let him."

"Doug already asked and the doctors said no."

"That's because you need to _insist._" Brendan explained, exasperated, "What, he really wants to leave, yeah?"

"Yes."

"Right." Brendan nodded, "I'll sort it."

Brendan gathered up his keys and phone and headed for the door immediately. It was 10:00pm now; well past visiting hours, so with a bit of luck he'd be refused admission to Steven's ward if he was caught with the irrepressible urge to see him.

"Brendan, please stop in on him." Cheryl pleaded, "Don't do this to him, it's so unfair."

Brendan never replied, and the front door slammed.

XOXOX

Ste's dreams were often wracked with shouting, with tears, with fire, screeches. The worst nightmares he had involved Leah running out into that round… the bus inches from his little girl… and then he'd wake up in a cold sweat, panting heavily. He'd sit up in the darkness of the ward and wonder about Leah and Lucas and were they okay… was Doug looking after them properly? Had he put them to bed ok, and read them their favourite story, and were they happy and undisturbed?

Other nights all he'd see were weird shapes and noises which made him waking up feeling queasy and disturbed. Other times he'd dreamt of Brendan. Usually not doing anything, just watching, with familiar eyes that soothed Ste just by looking into them. On those occasions, his sleep was almost calm. Until he felt the anger and bitterness and resentment bubble in his stomach, and in his dream he'd try to scream at Brendan – yell at him – but no sound would come out, and he'd just wake up frustrated and distressed.

Which is why… when he woke up tonight and Brendan was standing in the doorway… he was initially confused. Brendan was just watching him, like in the dream. And his eyes were glowing blue, but they looked so sad. And that's when Ste realised this wasn't a dream, because Brendan's eyes never looked sad in the dream – only strong.

He sat up immediately… hardly able to believe it.

"Brendan?" he croaked.

But Brendan had flinched immediately, and by the time Ste had got his words out, Brendan had already departed and was practically sprinting away… out of Ste's life again.

"BRENDAN!" He yelled as loud as he could, but his voice was croaky with sleep, and scratched painfully… and Brendan mustn't have heard the pitiful plea, because he didn't come back.

Ste was left alone again… isolated, and more confused than ever.

In the morning, he was told he could go home.

**XOXOX**

**Aw, sorry. Bit depressing. But then… DUBLIN! ;) **


End file.
